For a slight change of pace ...

[soulswallo]

Dear Mr. Spider-in-my-Shower,
Thank you oh so much for hovering over me as I showered today. If you're still around tomorrow do you think you could drop a little lower on your web so that I can shriek even louder? Thanks.

Also, if by some weird twist of fate you happen to be Ms. Spider-in-my-Shower ...
(a) I'm sorry that I called you "Mr." up above. Don't attack me in any way.
(b) If you're planning on having babies, please, be a good mom and don't leave them scattered around the bathroom. Sure, they're cute when they're little but they're big, freaking nasty things when they grow up. No offense, of course.
(c) Also, if you decide to drop towards me again while I'm rinsing out my hair I'm going to have to find a way to terminate you. And when I say "terminate" I mean that The Terminator will be coming over to blow your nasty, scrawny-legged little ass into the hereafter.
(d) The above applies to both male and female spiders.
(e) I know that my shrieking fear is well known in the spider community, but it's not funny anymore! Get the hell out of my house!
(f) The above applies to both male and female spiders.

Well, thanks for listening. I hope we can work together on this.
Kelly

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

1. all i can picture is that scene in arachnophobia when the girl is showering and the 'bad' spider dropped on her shampood head.

2. what if it was a radioactive spider? and it wanted to bite you to pass on its radioactivity so you can fight crime, kelly-justice style!

3. one positive? at least it wasn't one of the family of cockaroaches that live in your garage that was above you waiting to 'drop and attack'.

4. and you can never be accused of being prejudiced. boy spider, girl spider, jewish spider, it doesn't matter. one love, kelly.

[jenahville.livejournal.com]

wonder if you'll get a reply. perhaps a nicely wrapped gift - like a frozen fly.

[(Anonymous)]

what do you think of this title for a living journal?

"Cast off this taint, and become taintless!"

[(Anonymous)]

Robot: Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks.
Frylock: No, no, that's all right. I think I can wait for it.
Shake: Well, I'M going to get food.
Robot: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.
Frylock: Well, that still doesn't tell me why you...
Robot: I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train," but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.
Meatwad: Boy, this IS a long story. Maybe I WILL get something to eat.
Carl: Yeah, I think I'm gonna get drunk while I listen.